Starting a new chapter — and owning who I am while doing it

FullSizeRender(1)Just over a month ago I made the jump from DC to NYC (for the second time) — without a job! This is the third time I’ve moved to a new city without employment, and I’m happy to say that I started my new job last Tuesday. It’s only been four days into the job, but so far I am incredibly happy :)

On day three of my brand new job surrounded by my new colleagues I was desperately trying to impress, I did something I didn’t think I would have done (or at least not that soon): I wore my stockings with a dress. You see, I had already chosen the outfits I wanted to wear in my first week at work (gotta dress to impress!). Nowhere in these outfit plannings, though, did I include stockings (it’s hot here and I hate wearing stockings in the summer, and especially hate to wear them with dresses, and ESPECIALLY didn’t want to stick out at my new job).

That and it was only one year ago I wore exposed stockings to work for the first time; one year ago I wore stockings with something above the knee; and less than one year ago I wore a dress with stockings at work for the first (and only) time. It may be glacial progress, but at least it’s progress.

After day 1 and day 2 on the job NOT wearing stockings my legs were really unhappy with me. Day 3 I had a choice to make:

1. Wear my original outfit without the stockings and continue to see a decline in my legs

2. Wear stockings, but change my outfit to include pants so as to conceal the stockings

3. Go with the original outfit AND wear the stockings

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A bump (or pothole) in the road

Yesterday I was watching a TV show in which one of the characters has a chronic illness. While trying to empathize with another character, he said something that struck a nerve with me: I know what it’s like when it feels like your body is failing you.

I instantly felt this trigger some strong emotions that I had clearly kept buried deep, down inside.

It hit me…hard.

I got a little teary-eyed in the moment, but it wasn’t until I was cooking up the lazy single lady’s dinner of pepper and mushroom egg scramble that I let loose. I wailed. I stomped my feet. I yelled profanities. Thank god the loud hood fan was turned on and music was blasting from my iPhone otherwise I’m pretty sure my roommates would have thought I’m even crazier than I am.

In this blog I have shown you strength, I have shown you determination to overcome. I have shown you courage and insight. I have shown you acceptance. I have shown you positivity.

But goodness, y’all, I’m only human.

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What if?

What if I break a bone?

What if I cut myself while shaving?

What if my swelling gets worse and never goes back down again?

What if everyone stares at me when I wear stockings with shorts? Or a skirt?

And what if they’re thinking what a freak I am? What’s WRONG with that girl?

What if I’ll never be beautiful enough to find a mate?

What if I never find my soul mate because I was too afraid to let down my wall?

But what if I do let down my wall and my heart gets broken because the compression stockings and the night garment and the pump are just too much for him?

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Me & My Compression Stockings

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Fair warning this post is long, but hopefully helpful! The following are my two cents on compression stockings after wearing them for 10+ years. It’s my experience with them and while I think I have a few useful things to share, please do not take this as a be-all, end-all. Every person with lymphedema has different needs when it comes to the size/compression/brand/model/etc. of compression stockings (and you should always seek out the advice of a professional before ordering a pair). As always, this is just my story, but I hope that it can help you figure out your own :)

Compression stockings, compression stockings, how I love to hate thee.

I definitely have a love/hate relationship with my compression stockings. On the one hand I hate wearing them because I feel like I’m wearing medical socks on my legs and I don’t feel normal, but on the other hand they work — compression stockings for me are by far the most effective tool I have in my lymphedema tool box.

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August Challenge Recap

~ There are many healthy habits I’d like to develop and since I love a challenge (and some structure), I thought I’d give myself a new challenge every month. They say it takes 21 days to develop a new habit, but I thought I’d round it out with a whole month. Some challenges will be directly related to lymphedema, and some won’t. But they will all be with the end goal to make a healthier me. I’d love for you to follow along and update me on your progress! ~


For my August challenge I decided to do the manual lymph drainage self-massage every day.

How did it go? Well, not as expected.

My first approach was to do the full massage, which takes me about 10 minutes. Really the only time I could even attempt to consistently do this is adding to my bedtime routine.

Immediately I realized that the routine took too long. So, I shortened the massage to about 6 minutes. Much more manageable!

But even then, I still couldn’t do it consistently. Either I consciously was too lazy to, had already put on my night garments and didn’t want to take them off, or I completely forgot. Yes, I managed to let it completely slip my mind on multiple occasions.

I tried using an alarm on my phone. That didn’t work because I wasn’t always ready at the same time every day.

I tried posting some obnoxiously bright sticky notes on my night stand to remind me. That didn’t work either.

So, in a last-ditch effort I made a deal with myself: every night I can either do the self-massage before bed or wear my night garment.

The result? I learned I would much rather wear my night garments 😉

What I learned is that I just couldn’t add one more thing to my nighttime routine. Heck, I can barely floss every night. So, I’ve landed on the above-mentioned deal — either the self-massage or the night garment. So sometimes I do the massage, but more often I prefer to wear my night garments.

Why did I make that decision? Because I firmly believe that lymphedema treatment is about tailoring the tools in your lymphedema toolbox to your needs and preferences. For me, self-massage isn’t really my thing. But that’s OK, because there are others tools in my toolbox — compression garments, night garment, pump, exercise, nutrition, elevation.


Did you participate in the August challenge? Do you regularly do the MLD self-massage? Is it one of the tools in your toolbox?

Motivation Monday — August 25, 2014

~ On Mondays (Motivation Monday!) I write a post with a quote to motivate and inspire. Sometimes it will be something directly related to lymphedema, and sometimes it will just be because I like the quote. But it will always be something worth sharing. ~


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Don’t be ashamed of your story, it will inspire others.

After sending my fundraising email to my family, friends and coworkers, one of the senior staff at work not only contributed to my participation in the walk, but she thanked me for sharing my story.

Of all my coworkers, I least expected her to contribute. So you can imagine how much of an impact her contribution and her thank you for sharing your story meant to me.

At that moment a light went off and I finally realized that I had a story worth sharing. I was finally able to let go of the shame and be open with my coworkers. I shared my story with them and I’m so very glad I did.

I’m here now to share my story with all of you. It is my goal that something I write inspires at least one of you.

Finally sharing my story with the people closest to me (and now the worldwide interwebs!) has been one of the most fulfilling and downright therapeutic experiences of my life. I know I’m getting cheesy here, but bear with me :)

That’s why I encourage all of y’all to do the same. If you’re ready now, or if you need some more time, please feel free to reach out to me. I would love to share your story on this blog, whatever part or whole of your story you choose. You have something worth sharing and I want to give you the opportunity to do so.

This is about your journey–about learning, loving and laughing with lymphedema.

2014 Walk for Lymphedema & Lymphatic Diseases

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For the first time ever I have decided to participate in the Walk for Lymphedema & Lymphatic Disease. The 5k walk will be held on Sunday, September 14, 2014 in NYC and benefits the Lymphatic Education & Research Network (LE&RN). LE&RN’s mission is to fight lymphatic disease and lymphedema through education, research and advocacy.

As I explained more in depth in an earlier post, this walk means a lot more to me than just walking across the Brooklyn Bridge and raising a few dollars for a charity. Signing up to participate in this walk was the catalyst to my “coming out” story. Sending out my fundraising email was the first time I told the majority of people on that email list that I had lymphedema. And for those who already knew, it was the first time I stood proudly and publicly by my condition.

Fundraising for this walk has been the perfect opportunity to share my story, but under the guise of raising money for something bigger than myself.  So I thank you, LE&RN, for not only putting on a great walk to raise money for research and raise the visibility of lymphedema and lymphatic disease, but for providing participants like myself with the platform to share our stories on a more personal level. It has been a tremendous learning experience, and a tremendous weight lifted off my shoulders.

I encourage you all to participate in whatever way you can! There is obviously the option of traveling to NYC for the walk, but you can also be a virtual walker (create a fundraising page and simply raise money) or create your own community walk (gather some family and friends in the area and participate in your own 5k walk).

If you would like to fundraise but aren’t quite sure what to say to your family and friends, feel free to check out my fundraising page (which has the letter that I sent to my own family and friends). I raised my first chunk of money through the email I sent out and just recently finished a bake sale to raise a few more bucks (more on that later this week!).

If you have any questions about the walk, feel free to contact Colleen McGuire at CMcGuire@LymphaticNetwork.org. She has graciously answered my multitude of questions, and I’m sure would be happy to answer yours :)